Exploring the Three Spheres of Existence in Relationships
One Dance, Three Movements
A couple once shared with me that despite living under the same roof, they often felt like strangers passing in the night. They loved each other deeply, yet something was off—unspoken expectations, subtle disappointments, and a creeping sense of disconnect. As we explored their patterns, it became clear that their relationship was out of balance—not in love, but in space.
In Christian psychology, we talk about love as a dance—sometimes synchronised, sometimes misaligned. One helpful way to understand this is through the Three Spheres of Existence in relationships: My Space, Your Space, and Our Space. When all three are honoured and nurtured, couples can move together in harmony.
The Identity Struggle: Understanding the Spheres
Psychologically, relationships flourish when there is a healthy balance between togetherness and separateness. The Three Spheres provide a simple but powerful model for assessing relational dynamics:
🟦 1. My Space
This sphere represents personal identity and autonomy. It’s where individual growth, personal values, spiritual life, and self-care reside.
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When neglected, resentment can build.
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When overemphasised, intimacy fades.
🟨 2. Your Space
This acknowledges the other person’s individuality—their story, wounds, dreams, and desires. Respecting this space means listening with humility, validating difference, and suspending the need to “fix” the other.
🟩 3. Our Space
This is the sacred ground of shared life: the bond, routines, faith, intimacy, and dreams you build together. It’s where teamwork happens. When nurtured, it strengthens attachment and purpose. When neglected, disconnection grows.
A healthy relationship honours all three, rather than collapsing one into another. In imbalance, we lose sight of ourselves, forget to honour our partner’s perspective, or drift apart in our togetherness.
Biblical Truth: Created for Relationship, Called to Balance
Scripture affirms both individuality and unity. God creates us uniquely in His image (Genesis 1:27), and yet we are also designed for deep connection (Genesis 2:18). In marriage, we are called to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24)—not one identity.
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“Love your neighbour as yourself.” (Mark 12:31) – This implies you must know and love yourself (My Space) while also honouring the other (Your Space).
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“Carry each other’s burdens.” (Galatians 6:2) – This reflects shared responsibility and mutual care (Our Space).
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“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4) – This balance of care underpins relational health.
Christian unity is not about erasing difference, but about loving through difference. The Three Spheres mirror this tension—unity without uniformity.
Bridging Psychology and Theology: Sacred Boundaries and Shared Being
From a therapeutic perspective, I’ve found that couples often struggle when these spheres are either blurred or neglected. For example:
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A partner overly absorbed in Our Space may lose touch with their own sense of purpose.
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A couple overly protective of My Space may become emotionally distant.
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Ignoring Your Space leads to assumptions, miscommunication, and unmet needs.
Christian theology upholds sacred boundaries—we are accountable for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions (Galatians 6:5), even as we support one another. Likewise, the concept of covenant invites mutual giving without losing the self.
Therapeutic work involves helping couples:
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Clarify their personal values (My Space)
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Truly listen to one another’s perspectives (Your Space)
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Build habits that strengthen intimacy and shared purpose (Our Space)
Practical Application: Mapping the Three Spaces
Here are some reflective exercises couples can do together:
🟦 My Space Reflection
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What energises me outside of the relationship?
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Am I regularly tending to my own needs—spiritually, physically, emotionally?
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Do I feel free to pursue my passions?
🟨 Your Space Reflection
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Do I make room for my partner’s opinions, beliefs, and experiences?
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What assumptions do I carry that might need re-examining?
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How can I show more appreciation for their uniqueness?
🟩 Our Space Reflection
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How often do we connect spiritually, emotionally, or practically?
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Are we creating shared goals or drifting into parallel lives?
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What routines or rituals help us feel like a team?
You might even draw three circles and list what currently lives in each space. Discuss what feels balanced—and what feels stretched or neglected.
A Christian Psychologist’s Reflection
A married couple I once worked with described feeling “roommates with responsibilities.” Through sessions, they mapped their spheres. One had no My Space—completely absorbed in caregiving. The other had little Our Space—disengaging due to past relational wounds. Over time, they made intentional changes: weekly couple devotionals (Our Space), solo hobbies (My Space), and regular check-ins where each listened without interrupting (Your Space).
The transformation was tangible—not because they changed who they were, but because they finally made space for each other.